~Eternity~

2006-12-08T18:54:00.000+08:00

It's been ages since i last posted, no?
And yes i know i told ganesh ystd that i'm close to abandoning my blog
But whatever. Change of plans, for now. Lol =p

ok, so here we go:

HELP.

seriously i dun get it.
what is with sudden influx of different ppl
ppl who practically stayed dormant for 4 years
and it isn't just one person?
Lord are you planning on testing me again?
On my determination regarding him?
On my faith in Your hand?

Case #1 returned from the past, long long ago past, primary school past.
I have no idea what exactly the underlying thoughts are but it doesn't matter to me.
I'm apathetic.

Case #2 whom i managed to re-let into my life since i'm no longer so busy i suppose. we will always be the way we are, great frens! i doubt it's even an issue, if not because dear Case #4 brought it into the spotlight. But whatever, it ISN'T an issue.

Case #3 who has been arnd for really long, and who has done the most and is probably the most clearcut case, but somehow is still just a no. I'm almost as apathetic about this one as with Case #1, unfortunately, i apologise, I feel almost nothing.

Moving on to Case #4. This one is the real issue. The similiarties are uncanny. The differences are actually good. i'm comfortable, happy, everything positive. BUT. i have no idea and perhaps i don't wanna know either what's the atmosphere like on the other end. Call it unknown waters, fear of storms or just plain not wanting to leave the shore, whatever. This one could make me break free, but do i wanna break free, and am i gonna let myself? In any case, things have to be taken SLOW.

And then i had another dream.
You came. I saw you.
Without those barriers, when you came over, i fell all over again.
Only you have been able to make me fall this way
And yea though i feel as though i feel naught now
All that seeing, feeling, touching and hearing painted last night
Made me see
That all you have to do
Is do that thing you do
And i'd be back in your arms again
Why?

Sometimes i hate you to the core
Sometimes i'm apathetic
I am no longer that same person
Who would cry for the past
Do you realise
That there are even times when i don't want you?
Why else would that one be an issue?
Why else would that one draw me so much,
Like she draws you to her with her..aura?
But what was all that last night?
I was unsure for days
Even when i told you i was gonna revert back to you
I was still shaky last night before i hit the bed
Still fluctuating, still pondering a change in direction

But why
Did i wake up this morning with such affirmation
That no replacing has actually taken place,
No matter how much i myself am convinced that it has,
That i can drift far away from u, perhaps even further than u wish for?
But even when i no longer seem to have any reminiscence for you
Even when i believe that u no longer have the power to keep me wanting you
Even when your smile, your eyes, your gentle voice, don't seem to matter no more
All you have to do is do that thing you did last night
And all my pride, all my self sufficiency, all my efforts to run away from good
And that hardened heart of mine
Would be melted?
Why?

We lived our close yet still separated lives
You were happy, i was satisfied.
And dun ask me why cos it was just a dream
But in a dream like that one
Even good friends can have arms around each other.

Awoke all of a sudden --
Tried my very best to take you out of the dream
Tried to put case #2 into the context,
Just didn't feel right.
Tried to put case #3 into the context,
Just didn't feel melt.
Tried to put case #4 into the context,
Just didn't turn soft and irrational.

I was convinced,
and even afraid,
that you were starting to become just ordinary to me
but all you did, was do that thing you did

I had a vision that I woke up by your side
I felt you breathing and our souls were intertwined
But who controls love's destiny? Not me.

We had it all right in our hands,
We had the space to fly and still a place to land

So I'm calling out, I'm calling out to the only one
Who can save us from what we've done
Don't leave me hanging on
I'm reaching out and praying you'll come back again
It's just darkness I'm living in
And you're the only place my heart has ever been.

Maybe I'm young and in the ways of love naive
Maybe I'm desperate for a reason to believe
There wasn't any way I thought that we would fall

I've seen perfection in a rainbow in the sky
I've seen a child make the coldest grown man cry
But loving you I thought was greater than them all

We had it all, just you and me
Now there's a doorway to my heart without a key

Damn it.
And it was involuntary dreaming mind you.

2006-10-11T23:14:00.000+08:00

I hate but I love you

I hate thinking
How she could possibly on your mind
I hate contemplating
How for him you always used to sigh
I hate reasoning
Why why why and why
I hate feeling
Like i'll soon die

Gotta stop
All this jealousy
And inferiority
Before i'm gone

If I could,
Non-conformity
And continuity
I'd hold on

GAHH i'm coughing the life out of me
But no you surely cannot see
You don't even look at me
And i'm convinced,
Just don't look at me
Not till your gaze is through
Different eyes

I must ZIBEI no more.

I can't even seem to trust you anyways
It's simply because i can't grasp the real you
Maybe because there's nothing much you're letting me
Perhaps you don't even need me to believe in you
Right, you're not even asking me to
But
IF you do

i guess i will anyway

Down to earth: O's.

2006-10-07T18:08:00.000+08:00

Surreal Yesterday

To have finally felt a little nearer to you
Than what i have ever been in ages
In whatever way that was
I can't help but smile upon it

I dun mind starving a few more nights
Feeling totally exhausted physically
Waiting a few more hours below
If everyday could be like this

I guess the significance of yesterday
Is as much to me as to you, perhaps more
When it's supposed to be your day
Haha

If you do read this, ever,
Thank you for making my day again =)

I'm glad i've finally mastered the art of letting go
To be able to focus, and allow you to focus
Without feeling the pinch as i did in the past
To finally know what it means
Doing things "for your good"
Haha, but perhaps it's a little late now..

Well, wait till exams are over.
Now, 6 points.

i wanna lay like this forever

2006-09-30T23:28:00.000+08:00

I am cold
Through and through
You cannot affect me
With your words
Nor your actions
Nor your touch
Nor your heart

I need to focus

Thank you

2006-09-28T22:00:00.000+08:00

So now

my heart is hardened.
hopefully not against God nonetheless
but you can be sure
i hate you so
for doing things to me
this way
and never doing other things
that violate
but would at least show
that you wanted me
but i love you
for loving me
for loving what i loved
for loving me more than you loved urself
but all that
is history
but i can't let you go
maybe i can't
maybe i just don't want to
i said before
that the person who makes me forget you
will be the one i love
but maybe i won't love then
cos' i still duno how to forget you
i still wanna love you
i still wanna give to you
i need you to know
that i wanna walk away
leave you there the way you are
but i know
that you just have to cry one tear
call my name
and i'll be back
it's like a chain
your voice
i should not be bound
by a person who is reckless with my heart
and with his own
now what?
cry in my sleep like u did?
no i will not.
i'm gonna be big strong me
who will probably fall eventually anyway
if i dun have my King in me.

Though you're still with me,
I've been alone all along

2006-09-22T22:57:00.000+08:00

Hello I'm Still Here

It's been like this
Since forever
Thought you had changed
For the better
I don't know
If I still bother
When, Where, How
And Whether

It's been too long
And this strained song
I know is so darn overdue
But I'm not gone
Or getting a move on
Cos' my eyes still remain on you

Hello
Is the word on my mind
Why
The heck do I still cry
Help
Before I die
I'm not okay
I won't try to lie

It's been so long
And this lame song
They think it's all emo and blue
I'm really not fond
Of struggling to hold on
But I won't let go of you

Refrain:
Teach me how
To believe again
I can't live on now
If I can't live thru this pain

To stick to my vow
Perhaps I'm insane
But we'll make it somehow
My smiling sunshine after the rain

It's amazing how songs like these can just spring forth from nowhere.
Try 10min.
Lord I know You're still You, but i'm just tired, pardon me.

I can't really rant outright abt the stuff i feel anymore
Just doesn't seem right
Can't force it down her throat
Neither is it appropriate to throw it back at him.
Nor open up his wounds again.

Lab today was nuts. Kept seeing foot-stepping replay before me.
Chem today was nuts. Kept seeing begging for permission before me.
Maths today was nuts. Kept seeing that beautiful visage before me.
Chinese today was nuts. Kept hearing that gentle voice surround me.

So sick of the way you can just make everything trival again.
Monotonous replies, avoidances,
And that fake oblivion you always knew how to do so well
It used to be sweet,
Not anymore, please.

Look at this manipulation,
Of the sacred emotion,
There's really no sensation,
In my heart's mutilation.

Thank u baby, ur gettin good at this.

"*formalities*. jiayoux then. chao sian tonight."
"haha nite then!"

Indeed, such a good good night.
I can even see the shooting stars headed for the North Pole
What if they burn out and the light goes out before they arrive?
They crash into the sea, of course.

LONG time, LONG post,
it's gonna be a LONG night.

i just dun wanna be missing you tonight

2006-09-17T20:33:00.000+08:00

My Everything

Jesus, everything to me
This aint the way it ought to be
Day by day as i live,
I find myself wanting more than this

Long ago i said i'd let go of it all
Into Your hands now, even if i fall
I want You to be all i need
Rescue me once again, i plead

And as i walk
Be my light that keeps on shining
As i run,
Be my strength to keep on going
As i fly
Be my wings to keep me soaring
As i break, cry and fall into Your arms
All over again
Be my Everything

Healer, the one who made me whole
As i seek You back, draw me close
Each and every step that i take,
Without You i know i'm sure to break

I'm sorry i let this stubborness creep in
Filling my hunger, with pride and sinn
I pray that You will wash me clean
To know what trusting You really means

We're living in a fallen world
Where promises, patience and peace don't belong to many
But as i try my very best
Merely to survive
Let me not forget,
that it's all not by my might

you are harder to agape then he was and ever will be

2006-09-07T14:24:00.000+08:00

As much as i need expression
I will limit it
For your sake my friend.

The knowledge of all these
Pierces the heart more than anyone can imagine
But i haven't shed a single tear
Because i'm brave in Christ.

There are reasons why everything happens
There are reasons for my pain
There are reasons for your pain
There are reasons for his pain
There are reasons for His pain too

The only one who takes away this hurt
And actually has the power to do it
Is Jesus alone
And btw, thank You Lord for being my strength =)

It's by no means easy
Doing the things i'm doing
Loving the people i'm loving
Saying the words i'm saying

But in all i do,
My life is a worship unto Him
And when God is the centre
EVERYTHING else falls in place

Hide me now
Under Your wing
Cover me
Within Your mighty hands

Find rest my soul
In Christ alone
Know His power
In quietness and trust

When the oceans rise and thunders roar
I will soar with You above the storm
Father You are King over the flood
I will be still & know You are God

and I will live my life for Him

2006-09-06T16:30:00.000+08:00

Augen Wieder Zu

Irgendwann hast du begonnen
Dein eigenes Film zu drehen
Ich machte die Augen zu
Das wollte ich nicht sehen

Je ne comprend pas
Je ne peux pas
Mais seulement je sais,
Que je veux toi seul

It's so unfair.
Just so unfair.
But i have to live with it
If He wants it this way,
For now at least

I wanna know
What it's like, to cry in your arms
To feel safe, warm, protected
After so long on this weary journey

It's like a desert road.
Filled with mirages
Filled with blisters
Filled with burns
Filled with grazes
Filled with anguish, languish
No one would choose this path
Unless travelling on the bandwagon of insanity
But i still indulge anyway,
Sanely, i choose you over all else
The sole oasis,
Until rain falls again

But the greatest irony --
You're the only one who understands my pain
Yet you are the one who inflicts it unwillingly

I know it's tough on you
So in this battle called Life
May i fight by you in yours
And one day,
May you fight by me in mine

"I thank Him, for He has placed an angel in my arms"
Unfair.

Some people, they have it all

2006-09-04T22:12:00.000+08:00

Grateful

Though no words can express
Where i am now
Where we are now
Where we are going now
Where all this will end up now

I give thanks

To you, and to You.

For once in 8 months,
I feel secure with us.
Not because things are the way they were,
They are not,
But because things are a new way now,
A way i treasure alot more than our old way.

I'm still me.
You're still you.
We are still who we were.
But different.

Where this goes now
I duno.
But i let go
To my King

Jesus,
Have the honor
Of taking the wheel once again
As usual =)

Will i ever be enuf for u..only God knows.

2006-08-31T21:02:00.000+08:00

With No Words Left

Ignorance is bliss
And sometimes ignoring is also a bliss
Because it's only that way...
That is probably the best for all of us
If there was a time,
I wished i turned time back
To know that YOU once more.
Sigh.

Maybe.

These footprints that u leave on each heart
Are inexplicable.
What it is abt u, i still cannot fathom.

I wanna know
What it's like to know u
Fully.
To comprehend ur every thought

I wanna be the one
Who feels ur heartbeat as my own
Who understands
Who gets it

So many implications,
So many thoughts,
So many obstacles,
So many stops.

But not too many,
For us to get through them.

Everything in His time,
And we will get there
For Love
Never fails.

And I love you more than I love myself

2006-08-27T21:34:00.000+08:00

More Than Just Love Bugs

Dear, don't do this, i'm begging you.
If you want me, you have me.
Please don't call me to you
Then leave me all alone again
Wanting you.
I just can't say anymore.
I just wanna fall.

Sometimes I wonder what lies ahead
How long till my hunger is fed
They say it's hard to make it in this part of town
So many people on this merry-go-round
Some folks try astrology
Some turn to crystal balls
To find an answer,
To get through it all
I just fall on my knees and I try to pray
In the silence I can hear Him say

The river runs and the river hides
Out to the ocean and under the sky
I promise you, the answer will come
Hold on to patience and watch for the sign
Everything in its time

I often feel like I'm two steps behind
Somebody must have moved that finish line
There are a thousand reasons
Why I should give up
But I'm stubborn in the things I believe

The river runs and the river hides
Out to the ocean and under the sky
I promise you, the answer will come
Hold on to patience and watch for the sign

'cause maybe there's another plan
One I still can't see
A little surprise, like your love in my life
Funny how time changes how we see

The river runs and the river hides
Out to the ocean and under the sky
I promise you, the answer will come
Hold on to patience and watch for the sign
Everything in its time
Everything in its time

My heart cannot go on anymore.
HOW LONG till this aching hunger is fed?
Father, though i don't understand,
Still, You reign.
Take the wheel.

2006-08-19T13:38:00.000+08:00

I'm Sorry

Though there are a few other stuff i wanna write abt today,
I will not.
Today will be specially for u,
Cos it's the least I can do for someone great.

I know you too well.
You know me too well.
Those are lame reasons
But they are reasons nonetheless.

Thank you for being so good to me.
You are one of the few ppl,
Who ever made me feel this loved.

You'd probably try to diminish the significance now
Play it down a little, and how i'm just a pawn,
To make me feel better,
But all that you've done,
All the times you beared it in silence,
All the times you were strong,
All the times you even tried to help,
I will remember.

You don't know,
But i wld hv been more than glad to long ago,
It would have been such a pleasure, so easy
Now, things are different,
Still I could try,
But it just wldn be fair to you.
And it wldn hurt you any less than now.

You can count on me to be as good a friend to you,
As you have been to me,
And even more so,
For you are my dearest brother in Christ.

You deserve better.
You will spoil and pamper her when you find her,
And your princess, will be worth it,

much more worthy of ur awesome love than i am

2006-08-12T22:15:00.000+08:00

Tonight

I post with a heavy heart.

I was convinced
that I could do this.
I was convinced
that I didn't need you THAT much
I was convinced
that a month of stagnance would be a piece of cake.
I was convinced...
I was...
I..

Want you, need you, love you, miss you
Dream of you, think about you,
Search for you, long for you, pray for you,
Can live, but can't smile that much without you

But who would understand?
Not them..they would scorn, mock and laugh.
Not you..because you don't comprehend the intensity.
Not me..because i'm so sick, so starved of you.

What if?
What if I had a chance just like he did? To show.
Would you feel it? Would you understand?
Would it make you yearn more?
Would it make you care more?
Would it bring you closer?
Would it draw you back?
Would it suffice?
Would it be possible?

I can't run anymore.

JESUS, TAKE THE WHEEL

before i crash and burn and die

i'm sorry..

2006-08-09T23:00:00.000+08:00

Hold on, Hold me.

Tomorrow morning if you wake up
and the sun does not appear
I will be here

If in the dark, we lose sight of love
Hold my hand, and have no fear
Cause I will be here

I will be here
When you feel like being quiet
When you need to speak your mind
I will listen
And I will be here
When the laughter turns to cryin'
Through the winning, losing and trying
We'll be together
I will be here

Tomorrow morning, if you wake up
And the future is unclear
I will be here

Just as sure as seasons were made for change
Our lifetimes were made for these years
So I will be here

I will be here
And you can cry on my shoulder
When the mirror tells us we're older
I will hold you
And I will be here
To watch you grow in beauty
And tell you all the things you are to me
I will be here

I will be true to the promise I have made
To you and to the One who gave you to me

Tomorrow morning, if you wake up
And the sun does not appear
I will be here
Oh, I will be here.

I listen, I feel, I break.
It is that pure, that genuine, that innocent.
Isn't it?

We both struggle with the same things
We both want
But this shouldn't be the way...
I love you,
LOVE.

You dunno a thing now,
You dunno why i say all this,
You dunno how much i dun want
Your downfall to be mine too.
But i know how it feels
To want more, the way we like it.

I want us to grow together,
We need to,
then will everything else fall into place..
I can't go on this way.

I have a responsibility to fulfill unto u,
I have a commitment to keep,
To love purely.
To love agape.
To love, because of Love.

And no one can help us
But His Highest.

Longing for your touch again

2006-07-31T21:39:00.000+08:00

For No Apparent Reason.

As many memories of u flow,
I know not why they do
Two days ago,
I wondered why i no longer missed u
Not badly at least

I duno why i'm always doing this Lord
Striking deals with u tt are so hard to keep
With the good of someone i love in mind,
With that smile of true joy as motivation,
It still gets painfully agonizing at times
But I guess tts what they call "sacrifice"
And You did it for me too, Jesus.

Two plus weeks of stagnance.
I think i miss u.
I wonder how u are still,
Concerns pop up once in awhile,
But they dun perpetuate much, i believe..

Not one day of the past 270 have u managed to slip.
Not one day of the past 180 have i mananged to sleep.
Not that terribly well, at least.
Not, not with u

FOCUS is the word.
FOCUS i am.
FOCUS i must.
FOCUS i can.

Lord please be my strength
I still believe in u
And i love u for
ALL u do each day =)
U are my all in all.

and maybe, just maybe,
after all this is over,
u will whisper,

"honey, i'm home"

2006-07-28T13:21:00.000+08:00

Closed

I wish I didn't have to see any of this
I don't enjoy it fyi.

There are a few ppl on my mind now
Each for different reasons
You are most likely one of them too.

Two weeks of stagnance
And a possible two weeks more
If God agrees to the deal
But as long as u find Him thereby
I don't mind anything

My star,
I wonder how you are.
Remember who you are
Per se, and to me.

As for another good friend of mine,
I duno how to tell u
This thing that not just i am concerned about
Someone help me here?
Lord use me as ur mouthpiece if ur will so states

Running for Him,
Working for our future

Now that's what i call motivation

2006-07-20T22:37:00.000+08:00

A Ray of Cold Sunshine

Tausend Fragen drehn sich nur um dich
Was soll ich tun mein Engel
Wann siehst du mich
Ich fleh dich an, denn ganz egal, was ich tue
Du machst die Augen zu, du machst die Augen zu

Focusing bit by bit more.
Still fear in me.
Lord, You heard me
You hear me this time too.

I wanna do well for You
Not for all the other goals that may come therewith
Settle it this once, will You please?
And let me do it all for You at least.

Jesus, You see the fear in us.
Though the fear may vary,
We fear nonetheless if we have You not.

Reflect:
When was the last time i did something for God?
When was the last time i spent time with God,
Just to make God happy instead of for the sake of seeking His help?
When was the last time i hurt God with his words?
When was the last time i chose to do what Jesus would do?
When was the last time i showed God reverence?
When was the last time i showed God how much i love Him
Or thanked Him for simply loving me?
And perhaps also,
If ever, when was the last time i was ashamed of Jesus?

Lord, this love has not ceased,
I believe You are the reason.
Give us grace please,
To last through this season.

I wait in You
Rest in You
Love in You
Believe in You

Be my Best Friend, And You said "I Am"

2006-07-18T21:51:00.000+08:00

I am Yours

The winds of change,
And circumstance blow in and all around
us so we find a foothold that’s familiar,
And bless the moments that we feel You nearer
Life had begun, I was woven and spun,
You let the angels dance around the throne,
who can say when,
But they’ll dance again,
when I am free and finally headed home

Why do you not dare face me?
I understand
We can work things out together
If you'd just let us, my friend.
Step by step, i know we'll get there.

Take security herein,
For this u know and will know is unwavering.
Nothing will ever change that.
Je crois en toi et je t'adore et je t'attends
And i dun care if there's no such word,
as radical as this faith is,
Je t'agape.

We will be stronger than most of the rest will ever be
We will have Him to guide our path
We will live for Him everyday of our [one] life
We will glorify Him with all we share

And when i hold you close,
I'll know it's all true.

2006-07-17T21:41:00.000+08:00

Whoa.

So many things just keep pouring in.
I should be honored that satan spends so much time on me,
Just trying to trip me so i stumble and fall.
Just look at how many situations arise per day,
It's abnormal.

I'm disappointed with someone.
"Fell out" with someone yesterday,
We were both quite off tangent.
Disputed with another about God.
Sigh as i read someone else's blog.
Heart broken by another.
Neglected by some other.
"Cheated" by another.

It's just not normal.

"In your anger, do not sin"
I must say, Lord i can only do it with ur grace.

And this nose and throat, agony. lol.
Lord please take it away soon.

I must say, Lord you are indeed everything to me.
It's amazing how i can just lie in ur strong arms
And know everything will be fine eventually
Even as oceans rise and thunders roar.

You are why i love

2006-07-15T18:35:00.000+08:00

Quand l'avenir?

What happens when women walk in faith?
I wanna find out myself.

I'm so tired of messing things up with u..
Communication breakdown today
Ouch.

I wish we could be
The only thing that i can take comfort in
Is that we're not living the future
But the present
And tts why it's like tt.

Sigh,
I know we will get there eventually
But for now,
I've gotta bear with

Not being able to hug u,
Not being able to hold ur hand,
Not being able to lean on u,
Not being able to draw close to u,
Not being able to laugh with u
abt things only we know
Not being able to share ur joy
or to tell u how proud i am of u
Not being able to say gdnite in so many ways
and jtef and jta and hdl and the like
Not being able to say a simple i love u
without adding a "my fren" at the back
Not being able to look deep into ur eyes
and reassure u it'll be fine when u cry
Not being able to comfort u with my presence
or cheer u up just by being next to u
Not being able to make u smile
and turn ur frown into delight
Not being able to address u
the only way by which i used to know
Not being able to be ur
dauphine --
elle sont tres bien, tres bon et tres sympathique
et elle attend

je t'attend
mais ce n'est pas bien jusque je t'attendrai

2006-07-13T20:51:00.000+08:00

Thankful

Thank you Father.
I duno how to express this thanks in my heart
I never thought You'd take me seriously
When i whispered how great it'd be
If you sent something great that night to me
To lift me up

Thank you.
Thank you.
Thank you.
=')

Please keep holding me
Please keep being in control
Please keep being everything to me

Please be ours.

2006-07-12T21:55:00.000+08:00

My Victory

Jesus.
You are.
I shall not hate.
Neither.
I shall love in Christ.
Agape.

Take the sinistry away
Take the darkness away
You have installed ur light in me
I will shine for You.

We are not individuals.
You are part of me, and i wish i were part of u.
U go down means i go down.
So we go up together.

Take my hand,
Let's get outta here,
Side by side.
I will never let u go.

All because i love you
And He loves you too.

We can do this together,
If you allowed us to,
Gave us a chance,
and gave Him one too.

And I said forever, to what lies ahead

2006-07-10T22:26:00.000+08:00

I Hate You ='(

You struggle
And though it hurt me so much
The very nature of your trouble
I wanted things the way you did
Even though i didn

Gave everything i had
Poured it all in
Time, prayer, emotions, love.
And now you say you give up.
And now you say you lose hope.
And now you say forget it.
And now you say
You dun wanna hear me tlkin abt it again.

What am i to do now?
You leave me stranded here again
Walk out on me, leaving a heap of junk behind
And you expect me to handle it, again??
It's not like you even love me after walking out on that freaking problem.

Who am i to you?
Dirt? Junk? Spare? Thing?
WHAT am i to you?

You lament so much
But would u lament for us?
One day, would u?

Would u care if i gave up on u?
When will u put down ur pride?
It's the same with God, with that and with me.
Aren't there things more impt than pride?

How long more do u want me to cry myself to sleep?
This is a person u apparently hold dear mind u.
I wanted to be strong with u.
I wanted us to emerge victorious out of our own situations together.

Why do u have to wreck it everytime?
Satan get the hell out of here.

Jesus, reign.

2006-07-08T22:09:00.000+08:00

You first

Jesus why is it so hard
To remain joyful?
A few days
And it comes again
Like a nightmare
That loops and
Never ends.

Could You PLEASE be Messiah to me?
Be the One You say You are
The One who loves unconditionally
The One who satisfies

Sometimes i wonder if i'm just SO close to You
Or am i becoming defiant
That i dare to speak to You so boldly,
You, my King, my Lord, my God, my Father, my Master
But also
You, my Friend, my Bridegroom, my Brother, my Best Friend, my Jesus

I admit. i don't feel like praying. But something tells me i have to
The Holy Spirit, again, as usual, but today it seems harder.
I don't feel like tlkin to anyone at all,
Sometimes not even to Jesus.

Lord You heard what i said to You just now,
I pray tt You just change my heart again
And remind me why i'm even doing this
That You are why i love.

Father,
Please help me to be patient
Please help me to be gentle
Please help me to love You first
And yearn to
Please You first.

As I wait,
May we rise on Eagle's wings.

sometimes it's painful to love you

2006-07-04T21:10:00.000+08:00

Fall to Dust

I hate reality checks.
But they are all too real to ignore.

So what if u finally confided in me?
So what if u finally felt close for once after 5 months?
So what if i finally could let down all fronts before u?
So what if it seemed we had done away with the facades?
So what if u say all of those things?
So what if i thought u finally knew how i felt?
So what if?
So what?

Now i'm back to dirt.
Watch my dream fall to dust and blow away?
Well, not quite, i'm the dust.

I'm sorry, for saying all i shdn have said.
I'm sorry for even trying.

Here i am, once again,
ohne mich wird es besser fuer dich.
And so i try with every ounce of me,
To give u the kinda life u want,
Without me.

And OH how we ache,
but alas, we can do nothing.

So what if i love u with everything i am?

2006-07-02T22:50:00.000+08:00

God in Motion

No one else is gonna understand much
Even if i post every single time i'm down now.
Therefore the frequency of posts is expected to decrease drastically.

God in motion.
It's amazing,
But keeps u on the brink at times.

Es tut mir leid dass ich dich soviel mal Weh getan habe.
Aber...soviel als ich versuche, dass nicht zu tun,
Gibt's kein anderes Weg.

Je t'adore, my dear, lala, and all.
Je ne comprehend pas.
and i'm past caring.
Jesus take the wheel.

We'll see where this is going.
We will.
And one day i dun want to be compared to,
But be the basis of comparison.
Love for fencing = ________

Jesus give me STRENGTH.
Jesus give me GRACE.
Jesus give me HOPE.
Jesus give me COURAGE.
PLEASE.

Solitude. Quiet. Environment.
Be His, be mine.
Be his, be Thine.
Be his, be mine.
It's all inter-connected.
Go figure.

to love you with everything i can

2006-06-30T12:16:00.000+08:00

I still love you.
And always will.
If you can be touched that way,
why can't i touch you?

stay alive

2006-06-27T22:30:00.000+08:00

Hush Now

Don't you cry...
It's words like these that actually send tears gushing
For it's been ages since they would have fallen upon certain ears.

I am not distraught,
I am not shocked,
I am not distressed,
Nor am I freaking worried.

However,
This isn't the way it ought to be.

Everything falls into place now,
I just never used to be sure.
Now I know, but
I'm not sure i really wanted to know after all.
Maybe that's why they say ignorance is bliss.

You shd know how much i care for u
That i'd never think of hurting u
I try to feign ignorance to protect u
But i fear it won't work for long

I dare not
I cannot
I will not
step outside these walls.

Oh Lord, direct my path
Why are u downcast, oh my soul?
Jesus I want You to have no doubt
That i'm head over heels in love with You

Est-ce que tu peux c'accueillir?
forced apathy

2006-06-25T21:00:00.000+08:00

Decisions

"I am tired of making decisions"
"So you make the decisions now"
----
"Can i decide to undo the decisions that u made in the past?"
"If that can happen, yea i guess"
----
IF only I really had the power to decide.
I'd decide u back, decide to be yours
sigh.

It's the stupid little things.

2006-06-24T16:55:00.000+08:00

You

I wld have posted this yesterday,
If not because i cudn last anymore
After surviving the whole day on 2 hours of sleep
Undead, i say.

Anyways,
Yesterday was rather fulfilling.
Met the 3 of them after such a long time
They're all different, in some way,
But thk God it's over.

Thereafter was germies' gathering.
It was good seeing everyone again.
I'm leaving out many details tho.
Details don't matter that much.

Two movies in a day,
Both set one thinking.
Somehow among the many things i draw therefrom,
There are always at least a few centered around u.
And i learn.

UJ's post sets ppl thinking too.
All those who've never experienced it will never know how it feels..
But we do.
No one will ever understand what it feels like to be forced to leave to you
Unless they've had you before, and walked down every single street during that time with u in mind.
Just like I did.
[Go figure..]

Apart from that,
I've something for a close friend here.
A simple word of thanks,
For just staying beside even in the times that u didn noe what to say,
U Just Stayed.
And i appreciate it alot.

I thank God for yesterday,
it made me realise how much certain ppl mean to me
and it made me realise how much i long to be closer
to you, you, you, you and You again.

"I can't wait for monday!"
Don't count on it this time

Gentle souls

2006-06-23T11:06:00.000+08:00

It's Amazing

It's amazing
Just came back from leaders' retreat
And it was a great time with God indeed
The ways He spoke,
Simply to be still and know that He is God
That He is in control
Assuring, beautiful, priceless
I cry.

It's amazing
We are closer as a family of Christ now
And all those hidden stuff
All known, all prayed for, all supported
But you know what?
The biggest joy
Was being able to say your name in that room
Without any fear, and smile,
Because u are part of me.

It's amazing
How i'm drawn back to my reasons for holding on
Why i struggle through the days just for u
Praying, giving, interceding, waiting
Ashamed for even considering worldly strategies
All i do, that i do for you,
I do out of love.
Love by definition of 1 Corinthians 13
To love purely, out of the overflow of His love

And sadly,
It's amazing
All those excuses
You must have a whole compilation of them
I try and struggle to be understanding each time
But there are limits.
True, i say i will be here always
But don't push it.
Don't take it for granted.
Call it whatever u want.
I'm sian, pissed, irritated, disappointed, disgusted
Whatever.
I force myself to never concede to being tired of u.
I force myself to be loyal each time i find straying appealing.
I choose to be persistent and patient.
I make myself deprived of so much that i need.
Just for commitment's sake..
It gets dry, weary, even difficult so often
With all that u do and all that u say
-cold-cold-cold-WARM-cold-cold-cold-WARM-
It's in times like these that agape has to shine forth again
may God give me the grace, strength, anointing and empowerment.
To keep loving you

2006-06-21T10:52:00.000+08:00

The only way for Destiny

It's still a journey,
And it won't end anytime soon.
It may get difficult at times,
With awkward bends, sharp swerves and shocking turns
But i still hold on to my seat, my Foundation
And let the car called Life steer me along the way...

All these happenings are part of His plan
His good, perfect and pleasing Will
We will.

Just a few words before i go off for retreat,
I'm expecting it to be a good time with God,
Reassurance, peace, new love come therewith.

I'll be waiting to hear from you and You again.

And once again, a reminder that
Nothing has changed

my liege

2006-06-20T21:30:00.000+08:00

Remember

There's a hand here for u to take
Our dream's a reality for u to make

It's ok no matter how little u have to give
Just free ur heart and learn to live

Life may become hard to swallow
Empty, superficial, even shallow

But so what when i've got u and u've got me?
We stand, together, strong as can be

In everything, I promise, you will have me
We can face the world together

2006-06-19T23:59:00.000+08:00

Disappointment Aftermath

Look at this,
and call it contradiction,
but it really isn't.

Some thoughts from Beth,
Son: "I hate you!"
Mother: "That's good. The opposite of love isn't hate; it's indifference. If you hate me, you still care."

The past few days, i've been looking forward to this one day
So i suppose hearing that it had to be cancelled, again, was kinda heavy coming.
To think i was printing something to give u when that sms arrived. Talk about untimely.

And it's been no help that there's a few wars going on at the same time at home.

Wasted so many tears today.
I didn't really know what to say, so I wrote Jesus a long letter.
He hears, I know He does, just in His timing.
I still believe...yeah.... =)

When I was praying,
He told me one thing:
Be more understanding,
And so I had to be.

It's amazing how He actually supports u instead of me lor. XD
But I dun mind since He's being fair, and i'd rather He show u more favor,
Although in actual fact, that wld be showing me favor too since it's what i want. haha.

I CANT BELIEVE UR PHONE IS DOWN. =(

sigh.

i still wanna go to hc...but if that's the only way, alright, i surrender.

as always, nothing has changed.

you'll always be my #1.

i love you

2006-06-19T12:57:00.000+08:00

I HATE YOU.
For making me so hopeful
And at least glad for once in 4 months.

THEN YOU CRUSH IT
like nothing.

I FREAKING HATE YOU.
For hurting me time and time again.
With the most ridiculous things.

I HATE YOU I HATE YOU I HATE YOU.
For making me love you this way.

SUCH THAT NO MATTER HOW MUCH I SAY I HATE YOU
I still foolishly love you
And I'd give anything for you

2006-06-17T22:16:00.000+08:00

Delirious

I'm nuts.
Because you make me go so high,
I can no longer rationalise.

Just one smile from u,
after such a long long long time,
and it makes me more drunk than all the wine in the world could.
Intoxication. Due to long-term deprivation.
I need you to make me lose my mind like this,
once in awhile,
then at least i wouldn't be thinking melancholy.

It may not last,
tmr i may slam down to the face of the earth again,
and realise that it was all just a short-lived moment
BUT SO WHAT?
pathetic? at least these "cheap thrills" make me smile.
Show me any other earthly thing that could if u can.

"When i'm with u, i'm on cloud 10 =)"
"Haha u cannot beat me. i'm on cloud 11 lor. =p"

Try being on cloud 12

2006-06-16T00:25:00.001+08:00

Whatever

First day of rally tonight.
You should have been there to see how God moved.
"你们奉我名无论求什么，我必成就，叫父因儿子得荣耀"
And i believe.
"主，我相信你"
Even as the trip is still on going there,
I believe with all my heart,
That though we see naught,
Spiritual eyes are opening,
The Holy Spirit's presence is moving,
He is thinking, feeling, remembering,
He is hungry, thirsty, needing,
He is being loved, and loving.

There's gonna be some change around here =)
Child-like faith, pure simple belief.
I place my hope in You, Jesus.
You said "Believe me".
I say "I believe".
Let's see ur glory fall.

Matt 18:18
Truly, I say to you, whatever you bind on earth shall be bound in heaven, and whatever you loose on earth shall be loosed in heaven.

Matt 20:4
and to them he said, ‘You go into the vineyard too, and whatever is right I will give you.’

Matt 21:22
And whatever you ask in prayer, you will receive, if you have faith.”

Mark 11:24
Therefore I tell you, whatever you ask in prayer, believe that you have received it, and it will be yours.

John 11:22
But even now I know that whatever you ask from God, God will give you.”

John 14:13
Whatever you ask in my name, this I will do, that the Father may be glorified in the Son.

John 15:7
If you abide in me, and my words abide in you, ask whatever you wish, and it will be done for you.

John 15:16
You did not choose me, but I chose you and appointed you that you should go and bear fruit and that your fruit should abide, so that whatever you ask the Father in my name, he may give it to you.

John 16:13
When the Spirit of truth comes, he will guide you into all the truth, for he will not speak on his own authority, but whatever he hears he will speak, and he will declare to you the things that are to come.

John 16:23
In that day you will ask nothing of me. Truly, truly, I say to you, whatever you ask of the Father in my name, he will give it to you.

1 Cor 10:31
So, whether you eat or drink, or whatever you do, do all to the glory of God.

Gal 6:7
Do not be deceived: God is not mocked, for whatever one sows, that will he also reap.

Phil 3:7
But whatever gain I had, I counted as loss for the sake of Christ.

1 John 3:22
and whatever we ask we receive from him, because we keep his commandments and do what pleases him.

1 John 5:15
And if we know that he hears us in whatever we ask, we know that we have the requests that we have asked of him.

That's why I can say whatever to the enemy each time he tries to blow me off.
That's why I can say whatever to any who scorn.
That is why, that is why, that is why I believe
That is why I keep the faith,
That is why I wait patiently,
And,
That is why I still love you

2006-06-14T21:56:00.000+08:00

Still Um Uns

I'm quite sure u don't read this.
So it's safe.
Ridiculous.

My heart's where u are.
Haven't done much today without thinking abt u.

Lord, please hear my simple request,
for someone i love.

Random thoughts being thrown in as u can see.
No longer as organized as they wish i'd be.
What order is there since then?

Cynical cynical cynical.
Shouldn't be, but nonetheless.
Thoughts of they
will never work out because they are
as young as
i'm.

I miss being doted upon.
Blueberry muffins, grand piano, pancakes, water bottle, and whatnot.
Although i never really needed to have them,
Just the thought that it was in ur thoughts is the best reward.

I'm supposed to be smiling.
Well i am.
But can't a girl miss a loved one once in awhile?

It's been 4 months since. Feels like just yesterday
when your warmth still embraced me and you
held my hand and promised not the world but that
we would face the world together with whatever
little we had.
when i lived reality like a dream.
when i had u
to cheer me up and take care of
me when i fell
ill.

Oh well. =)

If He decides to do things according to that prayer from long ago,
I may not be going to hc after all...
But what does it matter, as long as He gives u ur blessings accordingly
and you find such favor in His eyes..

That beats it all, all the glory, the joy, the satisfaction, the opportunities.
You mean more than all that put together.
Comprehends-tu?

ich habe nichts mehr zu geben,
denn ich habe dir schon alles gegeben

undeserving
i am
take my dreams, take my plans
all the glory to You is due
my Hope, nothing without You
i am

"s[he]'s the only one i can see myself loving"
then shouldn't u be the one who understands best?

2006-06-13T22:31:00.000+08:00

Ich stehe hier im Regen

"The more u like someone, the harder it is to say goodbye"
sounds so innocent. if only.
the implications are one too many.
i've stringed together my own symphony,
or so i thought it was. aber
jetzt ist es still um uns.
to be honest,
this stagnance makes me restless.

I visited our place again today.
The chair's back where it was.
I see u turning around at the gate as u did that day.
I see ur smile, as we crossed that overhead bridge.
I see u waiting patiently for my return.
I see u, u and me.

Sorry for Dendritic reactions, i'm sorry.
But i'll admit that i miss u.
If it doesn't do any earthly good at all,
then at least it may serve to boost ur ego.
sigh, but then again ur not that kinda person.
what kinda person are u?
I know a lot more now, but i duno enough.
I wanna know u so much more.
I wanna be the one who knows u best.
I want u to be the one who knows me best.
I want us to know us best.

Take care as u go tmr,
I know ul be fine anyway,
But that's the closest i can get to showing concern for u.

I hate myself sometimes,
for doing all the things i shouldnt have done,
and not doing all the things i should have.
If only I had one more chance,
I'd make it fully worth the while.
Not too little, not too much, just the way u like it.

Duno how to express this to u.
Und nur du kannst mich heraus bringen. Lass mich nicht hier allein.
Ich will dass du mich behütest
Btw, to everyone who's keeping things from me,
i'd appreciate it if u just be braver and stop doing that.
Even if ur rationale if protection,
I really dun tink this is the way to do it.

And to all who wanna know, final decision --- Yes

tell me how can i tell u that i love u more than life

2006-06-12T22:11:00.000+08:00

True Love Never Dies?

Oui, today i'm not gonna exceed 5 sentences.
Do whatever you want with me.
Keep things from me, mess with my mind,
leave me numb and unable to cry anymore.
It's ok for I still have the joy of the Lord.
Although nothing has changed nonetheless,
just don't miss the train to the north pole.

You are my happiness

2006-06-10T08:01:00.000+08:00

Get Behind Me

so much. all the while, i protect.
but what about now?
who's gonna protect me?
I know that Jesus is all i need,
but every other child of God has Jesus too
yet they have people protecting them nonetheless.

i'm so scared tt ur gona hurt me again.
u hv as much ability to do tt as u hv to heal.

now i stare at this, looking, afraid.
there's something i don't know.
but if i happen to know in the future,
i won't dare to even if i try to.
i'm sorry. broken hearts can't [afford to] break again.

lol the depressing song in the background doesnt really help either.

u lahh. i really duno what ur doing sometimes.
there are things i dun understand,
and the things u do to me..sigh.
but it doesn't change a thing.

it began to pour some 4 months ago,
but the sun will come out again one day,
because as Jesus calmed the storm in the presence of his disciples that day,
so will he calm our rain.
await showers of blessings.

ET come home!!!

heart -- fully occupied
room for no one else

2006-06-08T22:28:00.000+08:00

Jusqu'à notre prochaine rencontre

This is just so complicated.
But then again, it may very well be simpler than i could ever imagine.
I'm tempted to do an anagram just like the one on uj's blog but i shall not.
Maybe i will later if i get driven by desperation enough.
If only you were around Beth, lol, i can just see u shaking ur head already. =p

Today has been relatively slack. I feel guilty.
I did French and advanced German and everything except homework. =(
After the hol lessons, i've got chem, lit, maths and chinese left to do.
next 2 weeks gotta chiong i guess. but monday's reserved, and tuesday's out with mummy.
that leaves a little less time i guess. jiayoux phoebe. XD

Aujourd'hui tu me manques
Just a little lah...
I guess..

2006-06-07T23:27:00.000+08:00

I Will Sing

My King, this is my worship unto You.
My joy, my smiles amidst waiting and praying.
I find it easier to love people again =)
I love loving people (as in with God's love) .

I'm glad to say, i'm succeeding in forcing myself to cope.
After all, this is how it's gonna be like, for quite awhile.
There are still some of those quiet moments, where no one but God sees,
But He knows when it happens, so, i guess it's alright since He's in control.
Lesson of the Day: Do not listen to sad songs that special people send to u when ur alone, especially on a day with such nice weather, it's perfect to spend with someone.

Beth's at camp today. Til Friday. ARGH. lol.
Speaking of which, OMGOODNESS BETH U R ULTIMATE LAH.
*refers to particular picture* XD

Well school was quite fulfilling today though.
I get moved in the strangest ways by my dear A4.
Besides that, now that the "self-proclaimed to be unbeatably shuai" uj has piano lessons nearby once in awhile, met him for a snack. hmm.
ich hab 'ne Frage: was it post-lunch or pre-dinner? =p

I find myself questioning the credibility of premature "love" excessively nowadays.
Cynical? Skeptical? Overly protective and cautious?
Perhaps,
or maybe just....______go figure.

I WANNA SHOUT OUT LOUD HOW MUCH I STILL DO
but you don't hear me. you don't hear my heart.

jtef, hdl.

2006-06-06T21:52:00.000+08:00

Say Goodbye

I've never been broken so many times consecutively before.
But i'm back up again.
Still have that hope, still have that faith, still have that love.
"But the greatest of these is love."
It is indeed the hardest thing to say, to say goodbye.
I cherish u. Your smile, is still the most beautiful.
Be happy, spread ur wings and fly. I wanna see u free and soaring.
Just remember.
I'll be here to catch u if u ever search for a place of rest.
I don't really know what to say to you,
so unless you find this here, much will be left unsaid.
and since true love never dies,
and true love never fails,
you will find me largely unmoved if u ever look back.
heart unmoved by anyone else & unmoved -- still at the same position
u will always be my #1. and even if things appear different down the road,
u will never be replaced.
If you come home one day, you will find a cup of 70degrees C warm tea on the table,
me in the kitchen.

i agape you

Side-note:
Never Had A Dream Come True and Say Goodbye were both sung by S Club 7.

2006-06-04T21:39:00.000+08:00

Cry Joyful

oxymoron? no larh. not at all.
so much has happened over the past few months
and i find myself smiling the days away in sch
only to return to that sullen self when the bustle of life fades away each day.
now that's totally pointless.

i've loved people all my life. by that i mean all people.
if you know me personally, uv probably been "loved" by me in one way or another.
but after incidents and accidents pour in,
that flame slowly grows dim..till it's only left with a bare spark.
now i feel like i'm losing "myself" when that happens.

main point of clarification:
as i wait, i shall be joyful.
that is my heart's cry.
i wanna make a difference through the unconditional joy that Jesus gives me.
i want ppl to see the difference when they look at me.
and to be able to speak the words of Paul,
and also say, to Jesus be all the glory.

i've only let myself be completely broken before 3 people all this while.
if you're one of them, smile =) haha, cos i guess u cud say ur especially trusted.
but i'm gonna try from now on to shine my true joy in front of u guys e most too.

Beth, i'm glad ur still around. i tink i wld hv been devastated if u heeded what u were told. but life wld still have had to go on, tho i'd be faced with the decision of following u or my heart and spirit. thank God they're all in line with each other. we'll probably be faced with these stuff again somewhere within the next 10 years, but i hope we'll face it and tide thru it side by side. n hey, i still wanna see u in white more than once ok. (once will be 10 years later, the other will be..hmm...whenever u decide. GO FIGURE =p) geez i tink crypticism's becoming an integral part of our communication. anyways, *hugs*.

sogar wenn ich unter Traenen aufgewackt bin,
gebe ich mein Alles fuer Jesu

2006-06-03T20:28:00.000+08:00

This I Swear...

Helped out at Wei Ping and Christina's wedding today.
It was truly an experience.
White. Flowers. Candles. Sunshine.
Smiles. Almond Jelly. Fruit Punch. Confetti.
Rings. Veils. Vows. Promises.
Wei Ping is one person i really respect.
For many different things,
be it the way he spurred himself on academically
and made it more than worth his while eventually,
or the way he cast aside the things he had that others all wished for
simply to serve the God he loved.
But today, i saw another side of him which i respect deeply.
Courage that leads to true joy. "That of 'finally' " in his eyes.
As he sang that song for Christina and they hugged thereafter,
it almost rekindled my belief in the existence of true love.
Maybe it did, maybe it didn't. We'll see.

What Beth said today was really encouraging.
"that's based on the past and present, not the future."
And the future is in God's hands, is it not?

"I don't know how to tell u all this,
That it's all gonna be fine one day,
And actually make you believe.
That you'll find rest, peace, joy from within.
All the words you shout at me,
Pierce but i will not cry
Because someday we'll see His goodness and faithfulness.
Though you may not understand now,
I know that somehow, we'll be standing there,
Thanking all these ppl who made a difference,
On that day.
And I will be holding your hand,
reassuring you once again."

Author and Finisher of my faith, I wait for You.

Come quick, 10 years later, come.

2006-06-02T20:53:00.000+08:00

My heart will sing Your song

nonetheless. =)

I'm grateful that i learn new things each day, even through the painful times.
I've learnt what's agape, and how to give agape.
I've learnt the beauty of a soul.
I've learnt that true love waits for it is patient, forgives, is not self-seeking.
I've learnt that my hope lies in Him alone.
I know that God always keeps His promises.
I know that love never fails.
I know that faith in Christ can move mountains.
I know i'll see your face smiling upon me again one day.
By God's grace.

Today i wanna thank a few ppl.

Beth. for EVERYTHING. the listening, the hugs, the support, the CARDS!!, the smiles, the psychologist analysis, the ability to understand all the weirdness, oddness, crypticism and unfortunately, cynicism. Your the bestest best friend and sister i could ever ask for. consultant, pianist, planner and all too. haha =) love u always! thank you for letting me know i can count on u always.

Oreo. u are really one of the best (and cutest) listeners i've ever come across. thank you for always trying to make me smile =) (and u succeed most of the time btw) u dun have to say much to brighten up my most painful of days. thank you for being the one who catches all my tears.

Jamie. i duno larhh woman. i just trust u. trust u so much that i can break in front of u and just drop that strong front when it gets too heavy. i dun regret one bit believing in u all the way since sec 2. i wanna see u keep growing too! =) thank you for just being there.

Addy. the way i've seen God move in your life is absolutely amazing my dear prayer buddy =) do not get urself into anything ok =p but well, just thank you for being willing to spend so long just tlking abt it.

Alina. Thank you for not believing because u were worried about me, and thank you for hearing me out and believing eventually.

Sister Ling. Thank you for all the hugs, prayer calls, encouragements and advice. and for just being there each time.

Kin Onn. Thank you for trying to believe.

UJ. I duno what to say to u man. XD but thick and thin, friends =) u surprise me alot with the things u do and say, but all in all, thank you for trying not to be cynical and sending songs to make me cry, but basically just for being u and bothering to listen to the whining. even though ur so terribly egoistifed with ur apparent shuai-ness, du steinst! =p *i love the grafitti*

Daryl. DARLIERAEEENIUNIU. lol. Thank you for the quotes, for listening to the excessive conversations about one constant subject matter and still not deserting me totally. guess what? we're still tlking! =p

Fab. speechless before u. u never left once, did u? i'm sorry for the times i neglected u my friend so much. u are a true brother in Christ. i duno how to express my gratitude, so i'll just try with *hugs*. thank you for always never leaving, always waiting up.

Sharyl. Thank you for being the bright spark, the one who tells me never to give up, the one who gets so excited, it excites me too! =p

Shern. Thank you for always wanting to listen. I'm sorry abt the times i could have done better as a friend. I will listen k? ul always be in my prayers =) n i love u sister!

Zoey. Amazing larh u. the way we got to noe each other is just WEIRD, but it doesnt matter, i love u anyways. haha =) take care of urself k? n dun forget that i care and Jesus does too! here's to our friendship *cheers* =D Thank you for the call, the smses, the tags, the truths, the insights, the forgiveness, the promises.

and last but most of all,

Jesus. I love you Lord!! You're my BESTEST pal and ur the one who knows me the best. nothing will EVER change that. Thank you for interceding before the Father, for knowing my pains and living through them with me. You never once gave up on me, and u promised me so many beautiful things too, i can never express my gratitude enough. You are my #1 on top of my #1. =) I will serve u all the days of my life and bring God glory because i love u with everything i am. You are everything to me. You saw my mistakes, watched my heart break, heard when i swore i'd never love again. Heartache-Healer, Secret keeper, be my best friend.

and btw, thank U too. i'd never have learnt so much without u. nothing has changed.

2006-05-31T19:33:00.000+08:00

Amazing Grace

and it's amazing how your hope never gets crushed when it lies in Jesus Christ.
no tears today.
no more pain.
and i'm sorry, my friend, but no more u for awhile too.
i apologise, and i forgive too.

those who should know need not be told again.
those who don't know will know in due time.

With Christ in the vessel
We can smile at the storm
as we go sailing home

2006-05-30T12:14:00.000+08:00

Pourquoi

How many times more, my dear, how many times more?
Stop playing.
I don't care if i'm using broken french now.

Qu'est-ce que j'en ai à faire?

J'ai seul une question -- Pourquoi?
Toutes sortes de mensonge.
Tu es difficile à croire maintenant.
Je ne peux pas.

One last chance,
To clear ur name.
Would u even care?
Would u even try?

2006-05-26T21:51:00.000+08:00

Today, not gonna say too much.
It's not been easy running around with half a fever, a throbbing head, a sore sore throat, a runny (rubby) nose, blocked ears and a "heart disease".
Not to mention that I must keep my overactive lachrymal glands under control.
Prescribe me some suppressants? or maybe depressants will help too. Don't ask me why.
Had a dream today. Woke up with "what if it was real?"
It felt good. Seriously. Though in pain, it felt good.
Cos there was that hand there that held on tightly.
There were those eyes that bothered to look, and perhaps even cared.
I wished that hug would last forever.
If you could just sense the relief, that of "finally..",
and the desperation to hold on forevermore.
The feeling of finally being at home again.
The absence of fear and apprehension after so many months.
The sincerity, the honesty, the simplicity, the genuinity.
I'd give the world for that. If it were really you.

Jesus, I keep my faith in You alone. =)
Because You promised.
Whoever said it was gonna be easy?

2006-05-25T21:02:00.000+08:00

my third post in a day.
now u see how bad this is getting, don't u.
thank God i have Jesus, that's why i'm still alive.

well here i am again, cos lying ill in bed the whole doesn't serve u any earthly good, especially when u have ur favourite bdae present lying right nex to u.

i'm really disappointed. it makes me wonder about the side of u i've seen.
and how i'm gonna last the next 10years like this.
but i know i have to. it's gonna be a long long time till dawn breaks.

i still wanna go to the north pole with u, travel round europe, asia, and maybe more.
i still want our little house along the border of france and germany.
i still want our winery (u can go ahead with the bandung and chocolate. i don't mind.)
i still wanna play the piano for u.
i still wanna write songs specially for u.
i still wanna grow up with u.
i still wanna make honey water for u when ur ill.
i still want our catfights on the sofa.
i still want our daily simple dinners together.
i still wanna go to work with u every morning.
i still wanna cook on alternate saturdays, u can cook on the others.
i still wanna sip tea with u on free afternoons.
i still wanna take care of the malamutes with u.
i still wanna spend every single christmas with u.
i still wanna be the one who cheers u up each time ur down.
i still want so much more of all that with u..and
i still wanna be urs

Don't scold me, it's not that i'm not detaching.
I'm just holding close what is so precious to me.

2006-05-25T14:37:00.000+08:00

Inexpressible

I've come to the point whereby words can no longer express anything accurately.
Someone, show me how to express myself.
Seeing someone special now may just help, but then again.
I can't express myself.
Inexpression is inexpressible agony.
AHH.

that letter below helped a little i guess..but still not totally.

2006-05-25T13:48:00.000+08:00

Letter

No need to try to understand this.

Dear _,

it's been awhile. and we're still trying, or at least, i am. fell ill yesterday, shortly after you did. well, it's on days like these that i miss having u around all the more. it used to be a lot easier u were by my side.

haven't heard u for ages, and u still aren't able to keep promises, even the insignificantly minor ones nowadays. but i guess it's alright since u've been busy, it's next week after all. do take care of urself and try not to overwork yourself alright? u always forget about urself with events to oversee and tasks to settle..

i've been talking to some new people about u..it seems kinda weird now, cos when they ask me what exactly it was, i can't give a definite answer anymore. haha. no not even the eyes. i'm not sure if u know about the promise i've made to myself (and indirectly to u as well). i'm starting to wonder about what i'll do if a better one comes along...will i still remember? i will try to, even though it may not mean much to u, cos i know that at the end of it all, it's the way i've known u that makes all the difference. u can be rest assured that u'll still find me here when u look or call.

the past four months or so have been pretty fluctuant. how has it been for u? i hope u haven't forgotten everything, and at least still miss or think of it once in awhile..i mean, it'd be a comfort to know that it was just about as important to u as it was to me.

u know...sometimes bits come back and well, each time i can't help but smile upon it. true, i do end up wishing they were still present most of the time, but i just want u to know how special they all are, and will be.

i can hardly wait. haha. but u know..looking out of the window upon the road before our house actually isn't that tiring. after awhile, it just becomes an integrated part of each day. at least the sight of u returning home after ur long journey one fine day is worth all of it. all that pining.

i wish i could speak to u directly, but i guess it's kinda hard to even get hold of u nowadays...i'd honestly be pretty surprised, pleasantly nonetheless, if u read this, my imaginary letter, to u.

come home soon.
je t'attends. jtef
love,
yours.

2006-05-20T19:35:00.000+08:00

Who Knew

You took my hand

You showed me how

You promised me you'd be around

I took your words

And I believed

In everything you said to me

If someone said three years from now

You'd be long gone

I'd stand up and punch them up

Cause they're all wrong

I know better

Cause you said forever

And ever

Who knew

Remember when we were such fools

And so convinced and just too cool

I wish I could touch you again

I wish I could still call you friend

I'd give anything

When someone said count your blessings now

For they're long gone

I guess I just didn't know how

I was all wrong

They knew better

Still you said forever

And ever

Who knew

I'll keep you locked in my head

Until we meet again

And I won't forget you my friend

What happened

If someone said three years from now

You'd be long gone

I'd stand up and punch them out

Cause they're all wrong and

That last kiss, I'll cherish

Until we meet again

And time makes it harder

I wish I could remember

But I keep your memory

You visit me in my sleep

My darling

Who knew

My darling

I miss you

My darling

Who knew

God knew and still knows.

And I believe in Him even if all of u don't.

2006-05-18T13:21:00.000+08:00

thismayseemlikeaclutterofwordstoubutitsbasicallyexactlyhowifeelnow.

it's been so long already.
we seem to be going in circles.
i duno if ur tired of it yet,
but i am,
cos it's getting old.

so many things that u do make me wanna give up on u.
but in the end i still hold on, perhaps foolishly,
cos i still believe in you.

no matter how much u seem to have changed,
surely ur still u.
surely there's still that side of u,
that though unfamiliar to many,
i knew.

i still believe that one day,
it won't have to be like this anymore.
when we can stop hiding, stop lying, stop hurting.
when we can break the silence, warm the coldness.

maybe i am trying to make myself believe again
that there's something called everlasting,
that there's something called true.

it's up to u now, though u probably dun care much currently.
but it's alright.
cos i'll be here holding on, being strong,
moving on yet still waiting earnestly, patiently, purely.

come home someday, please.

2006-05-17T21:31:00.000+08:00

It

It's disgusting,
It's pathetic,
It, pardon me, but, it plain sucks.

How u just walk out on everything without thinking twice.
How u can still be so alright.
How u tell me to move on with life.
How u tell me to detach.
How u tell me u (actually) feel sad.
How u tell me I should be ok.
How u tell me what not to say.

The way u search for new forms of "high" is painfully detestful.
U'll probably say ur not desperate, just that it's fun, nthn to do w me,
That'll do just fine for me, since i'm so used to it.
But as much as I dun wanna admit it,
I find myself searching too.
After awhile, one realises.
It hurts to be bound like this.
U were everything that set me up "high".

Alcohol is a depressant.
It makes me depressed.

I hate the new silence.
It's ugly, it doesn't belong with us.
It's painfully obvious, it has to go.
Why did u throw love away?
Only to make space for this..
Why did u have to bring it in?

Now it's up to u to bring it out.

How odd

2006-04-28T21:29:00.000+08:00

Odd.

how odd.

odd behaviour
odd words
odd reasons
odd reluctance
odd obstination
odd perseverance
odd love.

odd me.odd you.odd us.

hmm.
it's odd how this mere odd "odd" from you
has the power to spark off a totally odd post
on this odd word.

if being odd makes me a tiny bit more special,
i'd glady be odd for you.

2006-04-15T18:12:00.000+08:00

I Hate, But, You

I hate the liars
This, I tell you, is true
But nevertheless, I know
I will never hate you

I hate the promise-breakers
In case you haven't got a clue
But amazingly, till now
I still care for you

I hate the trust-breachers
Trust me, I really do
But strangely, I trust somehow
I will never leave you

I hate the heart-shatterers
Believe me, I do
But no matter how unbelievable
I still believe in you

I hate the freezers
Who undermine "I love you"
But lovingly I still can say
I've all the warmth for you

I hate the pain-inflictors
I'd care less if they felt pain too
But nonetheless, I lament now
My pain still lies in you

I hate the sorrow-bringers
I wish they would disappear
But as always, because of you
I am often blue,

Simply cos' I still love you.

Author died 6/2/2006

2006-04-14T18:49:00.000+08:00

Why

We rode into town the other day
Just me and my daddy
He said I had finally reached that age
That I could ride on a horse next to him
That of course was not quite as wild

We heard a crowd of people shouting
So we stopped to find out why
There was that man
That my dad said he loved
But today there was fear in his eyes

So I said,
Daddy, why are they screaming?
Why are the faces of some of them beaming?
Why is he dressed in that bright purple robe?
I'll bet that crown hurts him more than he shows...
Daddy, can't you do something?
He looks as though he's gonna cry...
You said he was stronger than all of those guys
Daddy, please tell me why...
Why does everyone want him to die?

Later that day, the sky grew cloudy
And daddy said I should go inside
He said that things could get stormy
Boy, was he right, but I could not keep from wondering
If there was something he had to hide

So after he left, I had to find out
I was not afraid of getting lost
So I followed the crowd to a hill where I knew men had been killed
Then I heard a voice call from the cross

And it said:
Father, why are they screaming?
Why are the faces of some of them beaming?
Why are they casting their lots for my robe?
This crown of thorns hurts me more than it shows...
Father, please, can't You do something?
I know that You must hear my cry..
I thought I could handle a cross of this size
Father, remind me why...
Why does everyone want me to die?
Oh, when will I understand why?

My precious Son, I hear them screaming
And I'm watching the face of the enemy beaming
Soon I will clothe you in robes of my own
Jesus, this hurts me much more than you know
But this dark hour, I must do nothing
Though I've heard your unbearable cry...
The power in your blood destroys all of the lies
Soon you'll see past their unmerciful eyes
Look there below, see that child,
Trembling by her father's side..
Now I can tell you why..
She is why you must die...

Thank you Father,
Thank you Jesus

2006-04-13T21:16:00.000+08:00

Do you believe in Everlasting Love?

Everlasting Love

Hearts gone astray, deep in hurt when they go
I went away just when you needed me so
You won't regret, I'll come back begging you
Won't you forget, welcome the love we once knew...

Open up your eyes, then you realise
Here I stand with my everlasting love
Need you by my side
[You] to be my pride
Never be denied everlasting love....

From the very start open up your heart,
Feel that you've fall in, Everlasting love...

Need a love to last forever (x4)

I need your love to last forever...

i still do

2006-04-11T22:10:00.000+08:00

No.

No breaking of my relationships and friendships.
No speaking thoughts of doubt into my mind.
No more blinding the ones that I love.
No setting traps to lure them away.
No touching my friends.
No new bondages.
No distractions.
No temptations.
No deceptions.
No cynicism.
No lying.
No you.

NO MORE.

No to everything.

Leave my friends alone.
and GET OUT OF MY LIFE.

satan was defeated the day my Jesus died.

compulsion

2006-04-07T22:05:00.000+08:00

For the first time in 5 months,
My post isn't gonna be about someone. lol.
Applause please. =p

Today, I have two things in mind: evangelism and faith.
But since I have a bad feeling this is gonna be REALLY long, i'll just talk about the more pressing one.

Note of Warning: This isn't meant to be preachy, besides I have no right. I just feel convicted to share this. He who has ears, let him hear. Please listen if you please.

Well. Christians evangelise, because it's what God told us we should do.
But.
I think it's time many of us who call ourselves Christians relook the way we evangelise, which are effectively propelled by our motives behind evangelising.
When I call myself a Christian, I say I am:
-a child of God
-an ambassador for Christ
-a person who loves people
-a servant of the King of Kings
-a disciple of Jesus
All these basically connote a humble heart and an obedient soul that heeds the direction of the Holy Spirit.

Christianity is no religion to me. Religion has the implication of laws and more laws that we follow because of the fear that we'd be struck dead by the sovereign power if we don't obey. As far as I'm concerned, all I have is a relationship with God. If I could, I would choose not to classify it -- not as Methodist, Charismatic, Evangelical, Baptist, Presbytarian or Catholic. I am but a believer and doer of God's Word and I serve one Master, my Lord Jesus Christ. I don't love Him because He offers to save me. I love Him because He loved me first, and He offered to save me out of the love He has for me [though I am still most unworthy].

A little sidetrack here. I don't know how accurate I am, but based on a prolonged observations, I see absolutely kind hearted, loving, caring, essentially good people refusing to accept God into their lives, because of the unwillingness to have a form of authority over them, dictating their lives. If the contention is the reality of God, then I have nothing much to say for now because it'll take time as God slowly shows Himself strong and true in each individual's life, for one to be able to say he believes in God. However, I feel really compelled to suggest one thing to anyone who may be resisting God because you're satisfied with the way your life is without God and you don't see the need to have extra restrictions and laws acting as a burden upon you: God's intention is not to bind you under His control or manipulate you. He hopes you'll accept Him because He loves you and created you. He is not threatening you with "if you don't accept me, you don't go to Heaven". He is really saying "I already have a place for you in Heaven. I'm just waiting for you to take it." Wouldn't you agree then, that the only way to "taking that place" is by accepting God, since Heaven is per se His place? [some people would know why I sidetracked to this topic. But well, i'll put it simply: I say I love you with everything I am, but He loves you even more than that, I can't even describe it.]

As for why do we evangelise?
Is it because we've gotten so used to the idea of "we are Christians therefore we evangelise" because it's been there in church eversince we started attending church?
Is it because our youth group leaders are encouraging us to bring more friends to church?
Is it because we want growth in numbers in the church?
Have we lost what should be the true reason for being passionate about evangelism?

I can only spread the reality and love of God to people around me if I have experienced it for myself. Well, I have. So when I talk to someone about God, it is simply because I love this person just like Jesus loves him and I want him to experience the same goodness and freedom that I have found in Christ. Evangelism with blunted motives won't get nowhere. In fact, what's the point? Would God be pleased if we tried to bring friends to church just so that we'd hear our pastor commend us on our enthusiasm for God and "show" the rest of our church friends who didn't manage to bring as many? I think not.

And the biggest issue of it all (what actually sparked off this whole above chunk of text) is the way we go about doing it. Tact. Sensitivity. Love. Patience. Humility. Where are they?
Coercing/scaring someone into accepting Christ is just about the stupidest thing a Christian can do. Why?
All that talk about the love of God would then be nullified. All the proclamations of faith would be in vain and just farce. Why can't we just pray and fast more if we really loved that person whom we were trying so desperately hard to bring to Christ?

I'm going to resolve to be nothing but obedient to Christ now on, even if it takes YEARS.
[fine maybe i did go into it a little XD]

i still pray for that day,
i still pray for you

2006-04-02T21:31:00.000+08:00

One of our days again today.. =)

Learnt how to celebrate in solitude
Learnt how to reminisce in silence
Learnt how to love in oblivion

After 5 months..

It's never been the same a single day
Ever since the moment you came my way
Wish that I could still hear you say
But for now, I'm gonna be okay =)

je t'...

nah, maybe next time.

bon anniversaire des cinq mois

2006-03-29T21:14:00.000+08:00

past caring.

you don't care,

i don't care,

no one cares.

all they do is ask why, why, why.

stop whining.

"an eye for an eye, makes the world go blind."

maybe if you got yourself glasses,
you'd see the situation in a different light, and well, clearer.

2006-03-18T10:11:00.000+08:00

i'm so thankful for my whole day with lizzy yesterday.

SNOW was good. =)

Let my life be a worship unto You.

and may 10 years later glorify Your Name above all things.

I still pray for you every day and will do so for the rest of my life.

et d'ici là, je t'attends

only you would understand

Not you.

2006-03-15T12:05:00.000+08:00

"If you abide in me and my words abide in you,

ask whatever you wish and it shall be done for you"

I honestly do not think any of you comprehend what I mean.

Who of you has prayed with all your heart

And trusted Jesus wholly to keep His promises?

I have.

Who of you has had child-like faith in God,
And seen the most impossible prayers answered?
I have.

Who of you believe with all your heart,

that God is sovereign,

that God is good,

that God is merciful,

that God is kind,

that God is loving,

that God hears,

And wants to give His children whatever they desire

When they seek Him first above all things?

I do.

Not a matter of spiritual, mental or emotional maturity at all.

But about surrendering what you love most to God.

i'm pretty sad having to post this here.

i duno how many of you realise it,

but in so much that you're saying

you, my siblings-in-Christ,

are in fact, making my hope dwindle

and extinguishing whatever flickering bit of light there is left on my candle.

if it's too much to ask you to battle alongside with me spiritually,

surely it's not too much to beg of you to stop showing me the probability of it not happening.

Conviction: Despite all the cynisms and criticisms of man, shout all the more louder.

Faith: Believing in what seems impossible, with the simple knowledge that God IS God.

He is the author and perfector of my faith. If He has given me the faith, He will perfect it and see it through.

You don't say it, but your words show it.

i may be foolish.

Well, fools are often blessed.

i may be childish, naive, ignorant.

Well, "let the little children come to me"

I'm still God's child, God's little toddler who can't walk on her own, His silly baby babbling mouthfuls of gibberish.

But what does it matter, as long as i remain in His protective arms?

"Even if i'm foolish, I wanna be foolish in prayer." -phoebe.

2006-03-14T16:11:00.000+08:00

I shall be quiet, tread softly before the Lord and know He is God.

You mend the wings that are broken, that they may fly again.
You mend the hearts that are shattered, that they may love again.
You mend it. Thank you Lord.

One day, some 10 years later, I'll see you smile again, a smile from the heart, a smile to me.

I'll keep the faith.

2006-03-13T14:04:00.000+08:00

It was the right hand

Nowadays, all we can do is paint a thick layer of frost over each others' eyes..
Has life really never been better for you?
Is everything genuinely perfect to you now?
Of course you'll smile? seriously? from your heart?

worros elbakaepsnu. unspeakable sorrow. whatever.
It's the hols again..but there's something intricately different about this one.
some people still joke about it, still tease me about it, and each time i wonder how to reply.
they think they can still pass u the money and we can settle it "at home"
they think that it's still lady and liege.
they joke that we just quarreled over well, the kids.
they still try to squeeze some sort of confession out of me about us.

words just do not do my feelings justice.

are you REALLY so nonchalant about it? are you really?
it's terrible. those nightmares. of you.
and i'm tremble in fear before you now.
my one wish this year, for everything, for christmas and all the other wish-worthy occasions
just to get away for awhile with you, to be alone with your smile and your heart.

why are you building up another wall over your first one?
why are you trying to erect a mighty fortress around your heart?
why are you changing the lock to the drawgate?
why do you have to do this?

do you hear me?
how much i miss you?
DO YOU HEAR ME??

this shouldn't be the way now. i'm supposed to be smiling, all ok, just like everyone expects me to be.

2006-02-28T21:07:00.000+08:00

Sketch me a picture of your deepest dream

The one that you in which all your hope lies

In which you'll never give up no matter how hard it'll seem

The one you will protect everytime he tries

A leaf-strewn road encompassed in forest's palms

Footprints left undusted inspite of the years

I see two sweet ones, palmtopalm,

handinhand, arminarm

Since age-long years they have struggled hard

One seems rather, more haggard

Now in between gleams the essence of their salvation

From the stormy waters of their cruel relation

--ship.

How far more they'll walk down that endless path

Akin to how they'll walk down, or hath

How will they be when their years are many

Akin to whether they grow too weary

Hold on, thou young heart

Come hither where my palms still wait

Throw thyself not far apart

My heart yet patiently awaits its fate

Inflict not on my poor soul the anguish of loneliness

Paint not these windows with a coat of tears

Leave not thy care to be trampled upon

Meet me somewhere along in ten years

Don't turn your face from me completely,

just let me wait..

If you meet someone with hope, never ever crush that hope..

it may be all she has

2006-02-24T19:50:00.000+08:00

Drowning in work, this post will probably suffice til next thursday.

Why thursday?
Well, aside from the fact that the tests will be over by then,
next thursday's the 2nd of march.
"4th! =)" has been liquid-paper-ed off my diary..
but there's still the mark there.

I'm so stubborn. Something i'll always be struggling with.
Emotions have already been balanced by God's grace.
But. But. I'm just not satisfied to let go.
And I know you'll be either real upset or frustrated if you read this.. =(

It's not longer an E or I thing..
I don't even know how to explain it here.
It's as if i'd rather remain in this stage, though it hurts.
I'm afraid that if i say "i've moved on",
it'd be a license for us to totally disconnect.
No more link left.
I don't want. =(

I know..i'm starting to sound like a spoilt, unteachable girl..
Childish and obstinate, insisting on her own way.
and i detest phoebe because of that.

I want so much to beg that things would be close again
Not because i cannot live w/out it, but because i want it.
I don't mind suffering all the pain in the world
As long as i can continue to give everything i've got
I don't want an E. I don't want N either. I just want an INFP.
My INFP.

It's not about me anymore.
It's about you.
And everything you'll always be to me.

Never reaching that stage = freedom [you]
Never reaching that stage = because of you [me]

就是不甘愿，就偏偏只要你...

Foolishness.

2006-02-19T21:13:00.000+08:00

It's like history has repeated itself, and if you look at both cases, the only common factor was me.
There's this whole sense of failure now, but i say heck because i'm not gona let those lies get me down.
Here i wana thk God for lizzy. I was there for her and now it's her turn to be here for me.
Some people out there just can't grasp the whole idea for "it".
Why do i care then?
I wanted to reserve it for someone who deserved it.
I thought you did.
Big time mistake.
You don't.
Everything you promised you would not allow to happen to me,
happened.
The irony in "nothing is absolute, everything is relative", is that you said "it" was certain.
Something in me shouts: you freaking liar.
Something in me cries: you're no different from how N was.
Something in me screams: you betrayed all the trust i had in you.

But i know that isn't the way to go.
Not hatred, not bitterness, not anger.
Not blaming you for the things you fail to comprehend.
I could change everything about me
but i could never change me, cos that's who God has made me to be.

All i pray now is that you find God one day.

but don't expect me to trust a single more of your insincere, relative and non-absolute words.

2006-02-18T18:20:00.000+08:00

An empty street,
An empty house
A hole inside my heart
I'm all alone, the rooms are getting smaller.

I wonder how, I wonder why, I wonder where they are
The days we had, the songs we sang together.

And oh My Love, I'm holding on forever
Reaching for the love that seems so far

So I say a little prayer
And hope my dreams will take me there
Where the skies are blue,
To see you once again
My Love.

Over seas and coast to coast
To find the place I love the most
Where the fields are green,
To see you once again
My Love

I try to read, I go to work
I'm laughing with my friends
But I can't stop to keep myself from thinking.

To hold you in my arms
To promise you my love
To tell you from my heart
You're all I'm thinking of

Time to stop reaching for the love that is so far

2006-02-17T20:23:00.000+08:00

Have you ever come across someone so stubborn, she tells her Father:
Daddy, I know You want what's best for me, but I don't need the best option.
As long as I can have ..... I don't mind even if that's 2nd best, or 3rd best, or 4th best.
Because that's the one that I love.

And some people may say, who on earth would be so dumb?
Well, you're reading the words of someone that dumb.

I'm supposed to have gotten over that by now. I'm honestly alright most of the time, but I'll admit; there are times when it gets way too much to handle. Everything from the past comes back to haunt me -- all that made up my most beautiful and pleasant dreams, are now what leaves me waking from nightmares, soaked in tears and cold sweat. However hard I try, something still holds me back. Too much reminds me of it, and blame it on my dendrites or simply my weak heart, but somehow I see shadows of what used to be in so many things around me. Too much just links back to it all.

And when dawn breaks, with the awakening by that daily alarm clock which pulls me from my slumber, comes the awakening by that daily reminder of how it's all gone now, which pulls me from my little dream world.

As I watch everything of the past drift further and further into the horizon, and watch the harsh situations that unfold before me each day, I don't know what to live by. "Love is patient, love is kind"? Do I still hold on to that and give, and give, and hope, and wait, and refuse to give up? Or is it time to let go? If so, how?
Everytime I see these things that are all so familliar to me, a sense of unfamilliarity pervades my heart.
That is, the unfamilliarity of the distance and the forbidance that those things now connote.

And now it's my turn to wish I could be free.

But if I am free, would you be?

2006-02-14T20:34:00.000+08:00

How I want to do this for you.

But how easy can it get, when you walk on the streets and you're reminded of how alone you are again?
But how easy can it get, when you observe and you think to yourself how it could have been?
But how easy can it get, when every other oblivious soul thinks it's still rainbows and butterflies?
But how easy can it get, when they still try to tease you about it, not knowing that this time round, it hurts?
But how easy can it get, when so much reminds you of what used to be?
But how easy can it get, when you see how much everyone else around you is loved?
But how easy can it get, when you smell that same scent, hear that same voice, look into those same eyes, see the same expressions, feel the same closeness? well, almost.
But how easy can it get, when you know that it's forbidden, but you've had it before, and you just aren't satisfied losing it now.
But how easy can it get, when scraps of red, yellow, and blue paper bear unspoken connotations?

But how easy can it get, when songs resound with promises of the past unheard of?
But how easy can it get, when you remember everything whispered to you before?
But how easy can it get, when all that was said seems to have been nullified?
But how easy can it get, when all that reassurance, was an assumption?
But how easy can it get, when you sit near but can't hold that hand anymore?
But how easy can it get, when you believed in it with all your heart?
But how easy can it get, when you weren't willing to give up, but give in wherever possible?
But how easy can it get, when you knew you would persevere even if it meant pain?
But how easy can it get, when you're just told that you're not that important anymore?
But how easy can it get, when that same person stands before you, but you know it's different?
But how easy can it get, when the past haunts and you lose control?
But how easy can it get, when your trust has been betrayed?
But how easy can it get, when there's still your immortal?
But how easy can it get, when you were supposed to be held until the day you died?
But how easy can it get, when it was a part of all your hopes and dreams?

But, how easy it can get, with God to be my strength.

I will do this for you.

2006-02-08T21:30:00.000+08:00

The Lord giveth and taketh away. Blessed be the name of the Lord.

Healing, reconstruction, re-beginning of a beautiful friendship.

2006-02-07T19:16:00.000+08:00

今天，她有点儿难过，因为他走了。

Chinese is still more endearing.

2006-02-05T18:51:00.000+08:00

winterliebesgedicht

weilessokaltist
ziehensichdiewörterzusammen
aufdempapier
undwir
rückenauchganznah
zusammen
dannkönnenwiruns
liebenundwärmen

winterdukannstunsmal

Ich will auch mal so mit dir sein,
when the time for the North Pole comes... =)

2006-02-02T21:54:00.000+08:00

But because it's our day today...

will you whisper a little something
and warm my soul again,
to tug at my heartstrings,
and take away the pain?

will you give me a surprise
a real small one will do,
just to let me know,
that i'm still loved by you?

will you take my lone hand
and hold it close to you,
so i'll believe again,
that this our love is true?

will you stare deep into my eyes
melting all that's left of me
let me lose my way in them
and into our hearts we'll see?

will you smile at me once more
with all the joy you've got,
the kind that makes me smile back too,
even if it's a mere thought?

will you let my poor ears hear today
what it's been deprived of for so so long,
a simple jtef for a certain my lady,
that would light up my day, undoing every wrong?

because it's our day today
won't you just let me feel a little special once again?

How high on your list

2006-01-31T11:00:00.000+08:00

we really never should have crossed that line, oui?
weren't we really persistent on that?
the irony is, we talked each other into it, without saying a word.
man.

remember what you said to me when i was freaking out on that faithful day?
it's cos you said i was in safe hands that i dared to take chances
it's cos of the seemingly unwavering trust we had established
that we could make it together.

For what is built upon true respect and understanding will not be shaken in times of difficulty.
Do you still believe in that?
I do.
But it takes two hands to clap, and to hold on to each other, might i add.

Even a future requires the preservation of the force that will drive it in 3yrs or 10yrs later.
Freezing is impractical. Erasure is ridiculous. Giving up is utter foolishness.

Convince me, my confidante, we will converge one day, and i can stop contemplating contempt.

how high on your list are we
how far will we go in your dreams
how do you feel everytime you see
how we'll live, how we'll live, til we die?

was it real, or just a dream?

2006-01-30T09:11:00.000+08:00

Reunion with everyone but you this time.

how i long for 10yrs later. plus something more.

the pure truth

2005-12-20T22:36:00.000+08:00

The Pure Truth:
whosoever knows me well, would know by now that i don't blog unnecessarily.
when you see a post, it's either something great n worth announcing, or phoebe on rant mode.
guess which it is today.

obviously enough, rant mode.

notice how i'm typing all the words out in full. that..spells trouble FYI.

focus. focus. focus. that word is so familiar and so important, and you say that to me constantly, but why does it never become a full reality?

why am i starting to doubt us?
perhaps it's because you seem so distant and far away
perhaps it's because when you're so busy, you can't sense things anymore
perhaps it's because whenever i need you most, i just can't find you
or perhaps it's just that i don't trust myself.

it's high time i wiped you out of my mind, for now, or for good, depends on you.
[then again, do i actually have the ability to?]

1 mth

2005-11-30T13:31:00.000+08:00

4 weeks! *pops confetti*
Lol only 2 or 3 ppl i know will get the reason for my "celebration", but it's ok. =)

Today wanted to chiong chinese, but the email containing it somehow nvr reached me. i think hotmail's getting cranky again. -.- but thkew so much lizzy =) and well, no chinese, it's ok. today chiong maths. lol. then i'll probably go read Miller again later.

Today I wana thank God for the following, in no particular order:
*Yihui enjoyed her camp.
*Lizzy's gona enjoy her mission trip =)
*Alina didn get all that lost eventually. =p
*Su Ern's finally learning to be independant and travelling to Australia herself. *grins*
*The AF is all well and alive.
*Jerlyn came back from India safely.
*The Lighters had a fruitful time in Manila... some even brought back christmas trees =p
*CIA is coming, Usher Retreat planning is finally on e track too.
*Germies and everything abt them
*Sisterhooders =)
*Speedlight
*4A4 '06
*UJ for listening and helping and brain-frying [danke Bruder] =)
*"Quirky/touchy/weird/drama/mixed up but still mine" family
*My future world-travelling/malamute-raising/tea-sipping/wine-making/IR partner =)

=Thank you Lord for everything=

and shoutouts for random ppl:
Lizzy: Somehow ur always 1st to noe. lol. love ya sister. =)
Suern: Don't play w birds over there. =p take care of urself too. *trying nt 2 nag* love ya too! =)
La prunelle de mes yeux: Je t'adore! haha. =)

2005-11-29T00:02:00.000+08:00

Some may wonder, why i risked "us" by saying that.
Some may question, if it was worth it.

It's like placing ur two most precious treasures on a weighing scale.

I'm sorry if i start offending ppl with my language, but verdammte, kann ich es NICHT MEHR ERTRAGEN.

I know i wanna spend the rest of my life by the side of this person. But...
I know how much this person means to me. But...
I know that i wldn be happy without this person. But...
I know that never in my life will i find anyone like this person. But...

But what, u ask?

But I love my Lord Jesus Christ.
Because of what He has done, and who He is.
Because the very fact that I even have this person in my life, is by God's grace.
Because without Him, I would be lost, and driven to desperation.

Then why can't I make a firm decision?

The reason, is that because I love him, I want him to have Him in his life and experience His goodness and His love and His guidance too.
I want him to know how much He loves him and how long He has been waiting for him.
I want him to experience why I love Him so much and someday love Him too, perhaps.
But the last thing I wld ever wana do is put pressure on him. Because tts not He wld want either.

So all I can do now, is hide in a corner, and pray, and cry, and love.

Lord he is so special to me, please don't take him away from me.

2005-11-27T16:19:00.000+08:00

tired. tired. tired.

tired of running after goals that seem so far away.
tired of dreaming dreams that seem unrealistic
tired of hearing words that discourage even more
tired of waiting for people who never ever knew.
tired of hovering in this grey area
tired of thinking of what to say, what to do.
tired of coaxing myself into believing in the impossible.

and for goodness sake, i'm tired of being so tired like that.

trying to be as small as possible.

2005-11-27T13:14:00.000+08:00

Thank God that Babelfish is all crappy. cos there's a reason why ppl blog in GERMAN sometimes. -.- well what's happened has happened. so... macht nix.

everything is pretty much weird now... but 4get abt it.

Choir concert! it was great =) tt guy from SYC seriously has a great voice. he's probably pitch perfect too. argh. that's the kind of voice that can make girls faint. =p other than that, dinner was pretty much short actually. nvr really got a chance to do wat i wanted to. n then daryl swished out a deck of cards. lol. my throat was kinda killing me throughout the whole thing though. n someone 4got to bring honey water. =p [no connotations here btw. haha.] thank God my murderous mood didnt get the better of me...or else LEE TING WEI would have died. can't believe he was actually so scared that he didnt dare to enter the audi. >.<

Today i woke up with a fever and totally swollen tonsils, so i didn go to church. had a nice chat with God in the morning though. was good. =) Hopefully i can "ren" until tonight before i do what i wana do.

Jesus You are my refuge in times of hardship, my solace when the world comes against me, my light in the darkness, my lamp that shines light onto my path, my guide that leads me through all. Your blessings and promises are new everyday. I love you Lord. =)

2005-11-24T16:22:00.000+08:00

Back from Germies Sleepover...and argh i'm beat. Slept at 3am...talked halfway through the night with yihui. that was good. haven't done so in a LONG while n i must say tt she's a great listener. haha. thx sister. =) Thx for opening up ur house to us too. il continue to be here if u need u start DYING to show someone SOMETHING. =p n for everything else too. hab dich lieb!

Besides Yihui, thank you UJ. This whole thing is like a mess, though it's a mess that doesn't seem that bad all e same. I agree with alot u say... but the decision just doesn't lie with me anymore. Ich danke Gott auch viel fuer ihn... er macht mir auf jeden Fall Froh... und vielleicht... nur vielleicht... aber ich weiss trotzdem nicht. manchmal fuehle ich mich auch, dass er mein Leben komplett macht... sowieso... kann man nix tun, wenn er nix tut. Danke, UJ, dass du immer dabei bist. das ist schon genug, so ein Freund von dir kommt auch nicht einfach. hdl =)

und du. du, der ich dein Name nicht sagen kann. das ist noch eine Traumheit von meiner. es macht mir immer Froh, wenn du froehlich bist, und natuerlich wenn du so ganz suess bist... aber na ja. du sagst immer nix. das ist aber schwer. weisst du sogar, was ich denke und was ich mich fuehle? hast du sogar EINMAL darueber gedacht? ich weiss nicht. also... hier schreibe ich dieses sowas, aber du wirdst es sowieso niemals lesen. ich vertraue jetzt nur in Gott. und wenn du etwas willst, sag mal... sonst werde ich nie wissen... ich wollte das nicht sagen, aber ich vermisse dich, so viel... und ich weiss auch nicht, wenn ich dich lieb... ich weiss wirklich nicht. nicht. ich behandele dich bis auf weiteres als einen meiner gute Freunden... und nur so. hdl. =]

Lord thank You for all the people in my life. I know You have a reason for every soul that You have placed before me. I will treasure all the people around me, whether i have known them for 3 weeks, or 5 years, doesn't matter that much anymore. Cos I love them all.

This IS the day that MY Lord has made, I WILL rejoice and be glad in it.

2005-11-16T08:47:00.000+08:00

This IS the day that MY Lord has made, I WILL rejoice and be glad in it.

moi?

oui.

and that was it.

In nothingness, there lies a maroon nano box.
It's hardness and firmness i cannot understand
All i know is that therein lies my precious golden crystals
glowing, the very thing the darkness shall engulf, for as long as it can.

If only everyone listened with their hearts instead of with their ears.
Then someone who does wouldn't be so special...too special.

2 people, 2 weeks, 2 friends.... 2 much.

HIC

2005-11-10T09:33:00.000+08:00

ah ok i know this is like a bit slow...but this is e last major thing that happened to me...so here i'm posting abt it.

Humanities in Celebration (HIC). how on earth did i get myself into it? *looks at laiyee*

well it was an enriching experience and i must say that iv reaped totally unexpected gains from this whole thing. lol. iv had quite a behind-the-scenes view of this event. with the OS struggling with his inner self not to pull his hair =p, the emcee of Litterae Humaniores being obsessively repetitive with his praises, the student host of MG lamenting how evil his "newly acknowledge school" is due to the lack of chicken drumsticks being so ever kindly offered to him...not to mention a certain guy with an amusing affinity with trays...plastic and silver alike..and that the quartet was playing Canon at a certain point in time. amusing. well over here, id just like to express my heartfelt gratitude to the organizing student comm, led by Master Im[p]. =p

Laiyee and i both had perspective changes. how unsurprising. well the whole thing was good anyways. =)

other than HIC, something else that has to be said. WHY are so many ppl getting addicted to "Numa Numa Iei"?! Not that it's a bad thing...but why is it like...quote yihui: "e hottest thing that hit earth next to global warming" ?? lol.

*slides back into chair*...im feeling terribly lazy today. someone make me move.

2005-10-12T19:51:00.000+08:00

hey Leute! ok ok ok i know i havent posted in ages and i'm really sorry...but here goes...

Well the exams are finally over but O level chinese is coming soon...so oh well. =]
But i honestly think that i won't be starting that til this saturday.
Let's hope class politics maintains a stable equlibrium and to UJ: i messed up chem too..so..take it easy. i know ur like THE Chem-guy, but...loosen up this once n give others a chance to do better than u in chem, and give ur other subjects a chance to shine =) i know it's really easier said than done...but hey don't take it too badly ok?

Das ist fuer euch, also die Germies. Selbstverstaendlich oder? =p Es ist eigentlich ein selbstgeschriebenes Lied. So:

Freunde fuer immer

How long ago was it
That you felt
that wind, luftig?

How long ago was it
That you breathed
that air, frisch?

How long ago was it
That you hardly ever felt alone?

How long ago was it
That you felt foreign
yet somehow still at home?

Beneath the stars and the bewolkte Sky
We lived, jeden Tag, greeted by each sunrise
Once strangers now beste friends
Diese Freundschaft will never end
& we know for sure...
Wir sind Freunde fuer immer...

Ich liebe euch! =)

2005-07-29T23:05:00.000+08:00

Break me if u wana.
i dont care much anymore.
here i am trying, trying so hard, after seeing everythn's tt happened
yet im HELPLESS.

i cant help her,
i cant stop quarreling with u,
i cant live one day without u picking on me for something
OH ITS FOR MY GOOD

i respect u since God has put u over me as authority
n i love u cos u brought me into existence
i DO NOT wana quarrel with u after seeing wat happened to her today
BUT WHAT ARE U DOING?!!!!!!

i am fed up.
i am thirsty
i am hungry
i am cold
i am numb
i am broken
i am lost
i am wandering and probably wont be found in e near future

at e pace e world's going, e events happening, e tragedies striking, e love ones going,

it makes me wonder how long more til tt day comes
i dun wana think so much. Lord just let me take refuge in u.

BREAK ME IF U WANA. I AM BROKEN ALREADY ANYWAY.

P.S. to argh, a2ie and tonc: this has NTHN to do with u losers. i didn wana insult u, i didn wana scream, but if u say just ONE COMMENT on this post, THATS IT. Settle e mess in YOUR OWN lives before u meddle in mine. JUST SHUT UP N GO AWAY.

to A.F: just let me cool down. its nt those "kids" tt are making me pissed. its sumthn else(deduce from e post if u can, if not just let me cool down. il be fine).

At Long Last...

2005-07-13T21:33:00.000+08:00

At Long Last...

Many roads have been overlooked
The dusty winds swirling over all
Trees with branches drooping low
Trees whose tears on the grass blades fall

Soon snow falls upon that well-trodden path
And the earth lies under a blanket of white clean
Frost permeates, all is calm
And all that's left are icy cutting knives in the wind

The cold conceals all within its numbing palms
The red dirt sands swirl no longer high
The ripples are no more...
The depth no longer seen by the eye

Then maybe...just maybe...
Peace will be, where it never was
At long last...
But not for long...

For yonder, lies a road
a road where the sun smiles each day
and all that lies beneath the cover of white
will be melted away...

And new roads will be revealed,
Trees will regain their towering view
Winds will blow the red dirt sand away
Raindrops gone by, now only dew

Then surely...most surely...
Joy will linger, though it seemed never to be
It just lay beneath the icy visage
Where no one could see

Now it is here...

At long last...

~*Eternity*~

How odd

compulsion

Not you.

How high on your list

the pure truth

1 mth

This IS the day that MY Lord has made, I WILL rejoice and be glad in it.

HIC

At Long Last...

~Eternity~