<< Looking back [#] `-
Friday, December 08, 2006
It's been ages since i last posted, no?
And yes i know i told ganesh ystd that i'm close to abandoning my blog
But whatever. Change of plans, for now. Lol =p
ok, so here we go:
HELP.
seriously i dun get it.
what is with sudden influx of different ppl
ppl who practically stayed dormant for 4 years
and it isn't just one person?
Lord are you planning on testing me again?
On my determination regarding him?
On my faith in Your hand?
Case #1 returned from the past, long long ago past, primary school past.
I have no idea what exactly the underlying thoughts are but it doesn't matter to me.
I'm apathetic.
Case #2 whom i managed to re-let into my life since i'm no longer so busy i suppose. we will always be the way we are, great frens! i doubt it's even an issue, if not because dear Case #4 brought it into the spotlight. But whatever, it ISN'T an issue.
Case #3 who has been arnd for really long, and who has done the most and is probably the most clearcut case, but somehow is still just a no. I'm almost as apathetic about this one as with Case #1, unfortunately, i apologise, I feel almost nothing.
Moving on to Case #4. This one is the real issue. The similiarties are uncanny. The differences are actually good. i'm comfortable, happy, everything positive. BUT. i have no idea and perhaps i don't wanna know either what's the atmosphere like on the other end. Call it unknown waters, fear of storms or just plain not wanting to leave the shore, whatever. This one could make me break free, but do i wanna break free, and am i gonna let myself? In any case, things have to be taken SLOW.
And then i had another dream.
You came. I saw you.
Without those barriers, when you came over, i fell all over again.
Only you have been able to make me fall this way
And yea though i feel as though i feel naught now
All that seeing, feeling, touching and hearing painted last night
Made me see
That all you have to do
Is do that thing you do
And i'd be back in your arms again
Why?
Sometimes i hate you to the core
Sometimes i'm apathetic
I am no longer that same person
Who would cry for the past
Do you realise
That there are even times when i don't want you?
Why else would that one be an issue?
Why else would that one draw me so much,
Like she draws you to her with her..aura?
But what was all that last night?
I was unsure for days
Even when i told you i was gonna revert back to you
I was still shaky last night before i hit the bed
Still fluctuating, still pondering a change in direction
But why
Did i wake up this morning with such affirmation
That no replacing has actually taken place,
No matter how much i myself am convinced that it has,
That i can drift far away from u, perhaps even further than u wish for?
But even when i no longer seem to have any reminiscence for you
Even when i believe that u no longer have the power to keep me wanting you
Even when your smile, your eyes, your gentle voice, don't seem to matter no more
All you have to do is do that thing you did last night
And all my pride, all my self sufficiency, all my efforts to run away from good
And that hardened heart of mine
Would be melted?
Why?
We lived our close yet still separated lives
You were happy, i was satisfied.
And dun ask me why cos it was just a dream
But in a dream like that one
Even good friends can have arms around each other.
Awoke all of a sudden --
Tried my very best to take you out of the dream
Tried to put case #2 into the context,
Just didn't feel right.
Tried to put case #3 into the context,
Just didn't feel melt.
Tried to put case #4 into the context,
Just didn't turn soft and irrational.
I was convinced,
and even afraid,
that you were starting to become just ordinary to me
but all you did, was do that thing you did
I had a vision that I woke up by your side
I felt you breathing and our souls were intertwined
But who controls love's destiny? Not me.
We had it all right in our hands,
We had the space to fly and still a place to land
So I'm calling out, I'm calling out to the only one
Who can save us from what we've done
Don't leave me hanging on
I'm reaching out and praying you'll come back again
It's just darkness I'm living in
And you're the only place my heart has ever been.
Maybe I'm young and in the ways of love naive
Maybe I'm desperate for a reason to believe
There wasn't any way I thought that we would fall
I've seen perfection in a rainbow in the sky
I've seen a child make the coldest grown man cry
But loving you I thought was greater than them all
We had it all, just you and me
Now there's a doorway to my heart without a key
Damn it.
And it was involuntary dreaming mind you.
<< *take my hand*
6:54 PM
back to the past; *
- ~*~*~*~-
Wednesday, October 11, 2006
I hate but I love you
I hate thinking
How she could possibly on your mind
I hate contemplating
How for him you always used to sigh
I hate reasoning
Why why why and why
I hate feeling
Like i'll soon die
Gotta stop
All this jealousy
And inferiority
Before i'm gone
If I could,
Non-conformity
And continuity
I'd hold on
GAHH i'm coughing the life out of me
But no you surely cannot see
You don't even look at me
And i'm convinced,
Just don't look at me
Not till your gaze is through
Different eyes
I must ZIBEI no more.
I can't even seem to trust you anyways
It's simply because i can't grasp the real you
Maybe because there's nothing much you're letting me
Perhaps you don't even need me to believe in you
Right, you're not even asking me to
But
IF you do
i guess i will anyway
Down to earth: O's.
<< *take my hand*
11:14 PM
back to the past; *
- ~*~*~*~-
Saturday, October 07, 2006
Surreal Yesterday
To have finally felt a little nearer to you
Than what i have ever been in ages
In whatever way that was
I can't help but smile upon it
I dun mind starving a few more nights
Feeling totally exhausted physically
Waiting a few more hours below
If everyday could be like this
I guess the significance of yesterday
Is as much to me as to you, perhaps more
When it's supposed to be your day
Haha
If you do read this, ever,
Thank you for making my day again =)
I'm glad i've finally mastered the art of letting go
To be able to focus, and allow you to focus
Without feeling the pinch as i did in the past
To finally know what it means
Doing things "for your good"
Haha, but perhaps it's a little late now..
Well, wait till exams are over.
Now, 6 points.
i wanna lay like this forever
<< *take my hand*
6:08 PM
back to the past; *
- ~*~*~*~-
Saturday, September 30, 2006
I am cold
Through and through
You cannot affect me
With your words
Nor your actions
Nor your touch
Nor your heart
I need to focus
Thank you
<< *take my hand*
11:28 PM
back to the past; *
- ~*~*~*~-
Thursday, September 28, 2006
So now
my heart is hardened.
hopefully not against God nonetheless
but you can be sure
i hate you so
for doing things to me
this way
and never doing other things
that violate
but would at least show
that you wanted me
but i love you
for loving me
for loving what i loved
for loving me more than you loved urself
but all that
is history
but i can't let you go
maybe i can't
maybe i just don't want to
i said before
that the person who makes me forget you
will be the one i love
but maybe i won't love then
cos' i still duno how to forget you
i still wanna love you
i still wanna give to you
i need you to know
that i wanna walk away
leave you there the way you are
but i know
that you just have to cry one tear
call my name
and i'll be back
it's like a chain
your voice
i should not be bound
by a person who is reckless with my heart
and with his own
now what?
cry in my sleep like u did?
no i will not.
i'm gonna be big strong me
who will probably fall eventually anyway
if i dun have my King in me.
Though you're still with me,
I've been alone all along
<< *take my hand*
10:00 PM
back to the past; *
- ~*~*~*~-
Friday, September 22, 2006
Hello I'm Still Here
It's been like this
Since forever
Thought you had changed
For the better
I don't know
If I still bother
When, Where, How
And Whether
It's been too long
And this strained song
I know is so darn overdue
But I'm not gone
Or getting a move on
Cos' my eyes still remain on you
Hello
Is the word on my mind
Why
The heck do I still cry
Help
Before I die
I'm not okay
I won't try to lie
It's been so long
And this lame song
They think it's all emo and blue
I'm really not fond
Of struggling to hold on
But I won't let go of you
Refrain:
Teach me how
To believe again
I can't live on now
If I can't live thru this pain
To stick to my vow
Perhaps I'm insane
But we'll make it somehow
My smiling sunshine after the rain
It's amazing how songs like these can just spring forth from nowhere.
Try 10min.
Lord I know You're still You, but i'm just tired, pardon me.
I can't really rant outright abt the stuff i feel anymore
Just doesn't seem right
Can't force it down her throat
Neither is it appropriate to throw it back at him.
Nor open up his wounds again.
Lab today was nuts. Kept seeing foot-stepping replay before me.
Chem today was nuts. Kept seeing begging for permission before me.
Maths today was nuts. Kept seeing that beautiful visage before me.
Chinese today was nuts. Kept hearing that gentle voice surround me.
So sick of the way you can just make everything trival again.
Monotonous replies, avoidances,
And that fake oblivion you always knew how to do so well
It used to be sweet,
Not anymore, please.
Look at this manipulation,
Of the sacred emotion,
There's really no sensation,
In my heart's mutilation.
Thank u baby, ur gettin good at this.
"*formalities*. jiayoux then. chao sian tonight."
"haha nite then!"
Indeed, such a good good night.
I can even see the shooting stars headed for the North Pole
What if they burn out and the light goes out before they arrive?
They crash into the sea, of course.
LONG time, LONG post,
it's gonna be a LONG night.
i just dun wanna be missing you tonight
<< *take my hand*
10:57 PM
back to the past; *
- ~*~*~*~-
Sunday, September 17, 2006
My Everything
Jesus, everything to me
This aint the way it ought to be
Day by day as i live,
I find myself wanting more than this
Long ago i said i'd let go of it all
Into Your hands now, even if i fall
I want You to be all i need
Rescue me once again, i plead
And as i walk
Be my light that keeps on shining
As i run,
Be my strength to keep on going
As i fly
Be my wings to keep me soaring
As i break, cry and fall into Your arms
All over again
Be my Everything
Healer, the one who made me whole
As i seek You back, draw me close
Each and every step that i take,
Without You i know i'm sure to break
I'm sorry i let this stubborness creep in
Filling my hunger, with pride and sinn
I pray that You will wash me clean
To know what trusting You really means
We're living in a fallen world
Where promises, patience and peace don't belong to many
But as i try my very best
Merely to survive
Let me not forget,
that it's all not by my might
you are harder to agape then he was and ever will be
<< *take my hand*
8:33 PM
back to the past; *
- ~*~*~*~-